How do I say NO without a real excuse?
P.S. Our go-to Dopp kits, lunch recipe on repeat, new spring lip color and more
Dear LFQ,
When is it okay to say no to social invitations if the only reason is because you don’t feel like going? I can’t shake the guilt! –Anonymous
Elizabeth: I read somewhere once that guilt is your higher self telling you what you actually want—or in this case, don’t want to do. Not so many years ago, I went out 3-4 nights a week to press events, happy hours, boondoggles, you name it. At the time, that filled my cup. I built my network, deepened friendships, got to wear a whole lot of J.Crew pencil skirts and statement necklaces. Now, most nights I’d rather be home reading a book or curled up on the couch with my husband watching Top Chef.
Time is precious; spend it in a way that aligns with your values and priorities. Unless the engagement is something you’ve already committed to, an event to support a dear one like a birthday party or baby shower, or you’re going to kick yourself later for not going because your gut said otherwise (usually when the activity is an opportunity for personal growth), then pass with a clear conscience. Like PTO days, you don’t have to give a reason to anyone. You don’t need to make up an excuse. Simply say, “Thank you for thinking of me! I can’t make it but have so much fun.”
And if you’ve already said yes and truly aren’t feeling it when the day rolls around? Well, I hope we can collectively agree that everyone deserves a mental health pass every now and again.
Kate: Lol boondoggles. Was I there? It’s absolutely okay to decline social engagements if you don’t feel like going. I think we should do this for ourselves more often, and I’m pretty sure many of us already do. A good friend of mine has one simple rule for accepting invitations: Will going make my life easier or harder? If harder, she politely declines and moves on without any compunction whatsoever. It’s brilliant. You’re right that we have to be vigilant about protecting our time, within reason.
I’ve already admitted I can be evasive when answering texts. The same is unfortunately true when I’m making plans. Evasion City. I need to decline faster if I know something won’t work. If it’s a plan I actually want to do, I’ve vowed to be more proactive about rescheduling it. Remember that meme that suggests that adult friendship is basically one long text message canceling plans? I have a horrible time getting outside my immediate orbit to catch up with friends I love but with whom I don’t share a common or current connection (aka a kid’s sports team). A fluke encounter over the weekend is now pushing me to make good on something I offered to plan, literally, gulp, two years ago. I hope I’m not contradicting myself when I say decline with abandon but don’t lose sight of when it’s important to move a few mountains.
Quick Q:
Do you have a travel Dopp kit you love? I need one that isn’t too heavy! –M.L.
Elizabeth: Yes! Like a good wallet or bra, a Dopp kit is an annoying investment that’s worth every penny when you get it right—especially if you travel often. My Cuyana Travel Case Set is more precious to me than any bag I own. The pebbled leather will last forever, the flat bottom allows me to stand up most of my mini toiletries inside, and the interior is easy to clean. I feel happy every time I pack them, and sigh with delight every time I set them on a hotel or airbnb sink. I’ve also gifted the set, which can be monogrammed! If leather isn’t your thing, the quilted, roomy MZ Wallace Zoey bag would be my next pick.
Kate: How did I not know you have the Cuyana travel cases? Do you know how many times I’ve almost pulled that very trigger?! The beautiful, buttery leather will absolutely last you forever. I unfortunately do not have a Dopp kit that I love. I use a hand-me-down that my husband won at a golf tournament. It’s functional and roomy, but someday I’d like to upgrade. I do have a good recommendation that’s great for kids, though. I bought a version of this Cotopaxi accessories kit when I was packing my boys up for sleepaway camp a few years ago. It’s attractive, durable and sustainably made with fair labor. The surprise colors make it sorta fun to receive and are a nice way for my twins to have something the same that is not the same.
P.S.
Sezane’s Parisian Gift Shop is the stuff of our dreams, and the home decor is even more stunning in person. Making Ali Slagle’s satisfying sheet-pan feta with tomatoes and chickpeas for lunch on repeat—plus arugula and a drizzle of good olive oil. Loving Ilia’s new lippy in Rhyme. Jealous of anyone who gets to binge-watch The Girls on the Bus. Everyone is talking about The Anxious Generation, which puts it at the top of the reading list. Will make a point to follow up on this one. Came here for the comments and they did not disappoint.
Got a pressing question you’d like us to tackle or a product you think our readers would love? Drop us a line at lesfemmesq@gmail.com.
OMG...read the comment section on the shorts. DYING. I'm in a hotel room by myself crying and scream laughing....