No Gifts, Please

P.S. Jelly shoes, Gap jeans, Jon Hamm, breakfast sandos, and more

Dear Kate,

In the past week, I’ve heard from two readers decrying receiving gifts on their birthdays. Neither enjoys the attention (is this an Aries thing?), but the story that stood out involved people bearing gifts of the wrapped variety at an impromptu poolside birthday hang—making our reader deeply uncomfortable, and empathetic to the one attendee who didn’t. Begging the question: When is it appropriate, required or even passé to give friends birthday gifts in midlife?

I’ll go first since, surprise surprise, I have an opinion.

I adore giving and receiving gifts. Call it a love language. But under very few circumstances do I give friends birthday gifts or anticipate receiving them. If it’s a random birthday year or a casual get-together like the reader example in question, I approach the gift as I would for any host or guest of honor: with flowers or a bottle of bubbly. If it’s a milestone birthday party complete with invitations, catering or a restaurant, someone putting real effort into the celebration—then yes, I’m bringing a gift. And if it’s MY big party in question, I wouldn’t *expect* anyone to fete me with more than their presence but by all means!

The tension might lie in a birthday for someone who isn’t in your inner circle. When in doubt, a small token that will be universally appreciated without making the recipient feel self-conscious is a safe and welcome bet. Contribute something communal to the affair like wine or exotic candy to share, something you love for the home like a beeswax candle or bundle of palo santo, or pluck some fresh herbs from your garden and pop them in a mason jar. But please put down the gift bag! A pretty ribbon or colorful twine really does turn something simple into a small luxury.

Thoughts? Feelings? Faux pas? You did just celebrate a birthday so here’s looking at you, kid!

Kate: I did! I’m fresh off celebrating the unremarkable age of 44. I love my birthday and for some reason I’ve always had a misplaced sense of how strongly others feel about it. I have a clear memory of interrupting a legislative exercise in my 8th grade government class to let everyone know my birthday was coming up. As if it were some matter of school significance. What was I thinking?! Since then, I’ve considerably dialed down the dramatics and settled into what has become a feel-good day to hear from people I love. Even as I’m fessing up to being a total birthday-phile, I can appreciate the plight of gift etiquette. I’m with you in that I feel strongly that gifts in midlife are rarely required. Sure, certain milestones and event criteria may pose an exception, but on the whole we should release each other from any gifting obligation. It’s hard enough to make a plan, let alone arrive with something when you do.

Over the past few years, some friends and I started doing dinners where we treat the birthday girl to her night out. I’ll admit I considered raising the issue for discussion. Is it too much? Does it put an undue strain on the night? Does it really all even out? Well, I didn’t end up pushing it too hard before my recent turn (read: at all) and got completely spoiled by a fun evening with close friends. I know I’ll be happily paying the generosity forward throughout the year. And if there’s ever a moment where it no longer fits the vibe for the group, I trust it’ll be acknowledged and we’ll find a new way to recognize each other. I think that’s the ticket, Elizabeth. A birthday is a fleeting moment to be seen. It’s cliche to say that we middle-lifers often get buried in the shuffle of our daily demands, but we do. That’s where our reader may have ended up on the wrong side of the sightlines. The lavish wrapped gifts, though well-meaning, didn’t strike the chord of connection she was likely seeking.

Talk about taking the cake

None of this is to suggest we’re anti-gift. No way. You said it’s one of your love languages and I know this to be true. We oppose gifts that obligate the giver or put pressure on the recipient. A thoughtful gift can be one of life’s greatest pleasures and something that’s just plain fun. Case in point: Like us, my friend Joanne and I bond over Hacks. Well somehow Joanne found the Tom Cruise cake that makes an appearance in the show, or, as she puts it, the “cult-famous cake by way of a hit TV show side story” and delivered it to me. What on earth?! You can imagine my surprise and utter delight. Not least because I could never think of such a clever and arcane yet hilariously relevant gift. That’s Joanne for you. The cake was goddam delicious but her gift of friendship is the icing.

Elizabeth: Joanne is a GD genius. And you are for giving us the Gift Gut Check^tm: does it strike a chord of connection? If not, reconsider—or skip the gift altogether. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FRIEND!

Same Gap lighting, better denim

P.S.
Found! The perfect pair of white jeans (pictured above). What do we think of these trending jellies? Your next discussion-worthy book club read. Digging Everlane’s Parks Project collab and rare color moment. Rawdogging a flight is a better idea than it sounds. Breakfast sammies, but with leftover ham. Wow, get thee to the Frick. Nate Bargatze hitting close to home. Jon Hamm still on a roll with Your Friends & Neighbors. Currently consuming enough Jam Grapes to follow this debate. How to end a weekday lunch rut (don’t be shy with the vinegar and dijon!). The houseboat of our dreams. Until then, leaning in.