Is My Talkless Marriage Okay?
P.S. Girl TV shows, layering jackets, our new eyeshadow, the next novel and more
Dear Elizabeth,
I’m not sure I have a question as much as I have something to share. This week marks my 18th wedding anniversary. That’s getting into some real “long marrieds” territory, lol. I’ve always loved our anniversary because I think each year of marriage is an achievement. It’s something significant that we accomplish together. Well, I don’t know if it’s the near-twenty year mark or what, but this year I’ve been reflecting a bit more on the state of the union. Don’t get me wrong—I love my husband, and most days I’m extremely grateful for him and our marriage—but we’ve fallen into a common trap that has me questioning what’s going on. We never talk. Like, ever. But here’s the kicker: I’m not mad about it. I’m not yearning for more chit-chat. If anything, I’m worried about what might happen if we take the no-talking too far. Let me explain.
We have two careers and two almost 12-year-old boys. Like many families, our days are filled with back-to-back meetings, deadlines, kids’ activities and the first hints of teenage moodiness. It’s chaotic. It’s exhausting. At the end of most days, we retreat into our devices without a whole lot of interaction. It can feel as if we’re “alone together,” but it’s not necessarily lonely. It’s calm when I need refuge from life’s noisiness. That said, I’ve often envied friends who seem to be constantly communicating with their partners through texts, calls or impressive verbal ping pong matches. We don’t have that dynamic. Marty is famously succinct in his texts, and tends to favor an, um, quality-over-quantity conversational style.
Case in point: I recently sent him a hilarious gem about Zyntimacy followed by a consequential classification on the parenting style I think we’d both ascribe (or at least aspire) to. Guess what I got in response? Nothing. Not even a heart emoji.
On the other hand, as much as I think I love to debrief, the thought of regularly exchanging details about our daily minutiae makes me want to run for the hills. It’s just not our thing. What is our thing is forcing ourselves to make time to go out to dinner, just the two of us. Taking a genuine moment to have a legitimate check-in and some real talks. We did this last Saturday night and had an absolutely lovely time.
So what gives? Am I short-changing the daily care and feeding that one should give to a marriage, or am I just now realizing, 18 years in, that I need to prioritize protected time for the two of us?
Dear Kate,
First, congratulations! 18 years of marriage is a feat and I’m a huge fan of yours. Being around you and Marty is a joy. Not in a frenetic, lovey-dovey way but because your mutual respect is evident and your adoration, though quiet, runs deep. Also, you can still crack each other’s shit up and that counts for a lot considering some married couples don’t appear to even like each other.
I’ve witnessed those “alone together” moments on weekend mornings when I stumble bleary eyed into your kitchen after an evening of revelry. Marty has, without fail, already made the coffee, one of you is flipping pancakes or schmearing bagels for the boys, there’s sports on the TV and everyone is lounging quietly, doing their own thing. There is a calm and contentedness in the house that doesn’t lack or require conversation. It sounds like you feel the same way, so let’s unpack your concerns a bit more.
Do you think you and Marty “should” be talking more because other couples do, or because you want more dialogue and don’t know how? Every marriage is different. I am in one that you describe as being in constant communication. Because that’s important to us, and something I looked for in a partner. Now, my husband would say that this isn’t always a good thing because sometimes I talk to him just to make sure I’m alive (we call it crop-dusting). In other words, the quantity is there but that doesn’t mean the quality always is. When I feel compelled to discuss the trouser jeans I scored on Poshmark or the new season of RHONY, it can behoove me to phone a friend instead.
Your concern is akin to the other marriage barometer we often look outward for validation: How much sex is everyone else having? Should we be having more? If we don’t, is there something wrong with our marriage? You see where I’m going here. The only thing that matters is whether you and Marty are happy about how much you talk. And if you’re not, maybe the next step is to . . . talk about it?
Elizabeth, Thank you for giving my relationship more grace than it deserves, and for the important reminder that looking inward is generally more instructive than looking out. Of course I’m “should-ing it” here. It’s an impulse that’s so hard to keep in check. Also, I can’t believe you just coined crop-dusting for married couples! I know what I need to do . . . on my way to book our next reservation now.
Quick Q:
Can you recommend any TV shows that aren’t too heavy, too dark—or worse—about love and marriage, because I’m currently separated. Thank you! –M.S
Dearest reader, you got this and we got you. Contrary to the name, Only Murders in the Building (Hulu) is a delightful, hilarious and impeccably acted who-done-it. In that same vein, Bad Sisters (Apple) might appear dark and marital at first blush but it’s really about the indomitable bond and singular quirks of sisterhood, led by international treasure Sharon Horgan. The Sex Lives of College Girls (multiple streaming) might be just the girl power you need to get in touch with your younger, single self! And Somebody, Somewhere (Max) somehow manages to incite both full belly laughs and optimistic feels with every episode. Finally, there’s no shame in reaching back in the archives for a satisfying soapy network drama like Suits or WhiteCollar!
P.S.
Who knew a frame collection could send us into a bloody tizzy. Two words for fall: layering jacket. The Jones Road New Classics Kit is back — for now. Are you in the portal? We think we might be. A makeup multitasker for all seasons, heavily in Kate’s rotation. Sally Rooney’s new novel is burning a hole in our Amazon cart. So ready to hit the road with Will & Harper. In fact, you do want this.
Got a pressing question or confounding topic you’d like us to tackle? We’re all ears at lesfemmesq@gmail.com.
This is honest and vulnerable – good writing, therefore.
There are other ways to connect and express love besides talk and texting. In Minnesota, you can scrape the ice off your partner's car windows before they leave in the morning.
I love the team vibe of Marty/Kate! Just because you're not incessantly checking in doesn't mean you are checked out. There's a cool assurance and confidence there, that reads as trust. Actual #goals for me, and prezactly what I'd be looking for in a dude.