The Husbands Respond to *That* Marriage Post

To talk or not to talk, plus the books our guest editors are reading. Spoiler: It's not all Barstool with these guys.

Ty & Marty, twinning in Aspen

Dear friends,

Back in October, after our semi-scandalous Talkless Marriage send, our husbands decided it was time to get involved. This is not new. Unlike Kate and Marty’s marriage, the four of us debate everything from the best Bon Iver song to whether it’s past our bedtime when we’re together. Today, it’s personal: How did Marty feel about Kate’s confession? And, what does his friend Ty think about their lack of comms in the context of his own marriage to Elizabeth? Les maris répondent.

Enjoy,
Kate & Elizabeth

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Dear Ty,

The moment we’ve been waiting for is here. I don’t know about you, but I have two goals before the winter is out: 1) Finish the 2024 Rogers family photo album (done!) and 2) Set the record straight for the LFQ reader community. Is there a hint of revenge in my tone? Maybe, but I do think this could be hotter than the Sporty Thievz’ No Pigeons response to TLC’s 1999 smash hit single No Scrubs, so I’m more excited than anything.

With that in mind, I’ll get this rolling by asking myself a question, then will ask you a question, and you can respond in kind (preferably in the AP style). Sound good? Good, because I’m going to assume that neither of us actually want to talk about this.

The question: Am I mad?

Of course I’m referring to the Talkless Marriage post—which produced a few empathetic, hilarious text messages from old friends—but also the general, uneasy reality of having our personal foibles out there for public consumption.

The short answer: No.

As a private person, I could argue that I have the right to be mad, especially since Kate didn’t ask for permission as much as give me quick, almost nonchalant heads up before Talkless hit the wire.

The longer, honest answer is that I asked for it. As Kate and Elizabeth both know, I’ve been lobbying them to surface their talents in a format like this for years, usually in a kitchen at 1am while trying to coax the last drops out of a dead bottle of scotch.

My guess is that most LFQ readers don’t know that Kate and I met and bonded in the early 2000s over our mutual ambition to be writers (some people may know that I was fired from the restaurant where we met for making out with Kate on the job). I’m not sure if it’s ironic that my life now primarily consists of travel, sports and software sales, or just where the trade winds of life have taken me, but that little kernel of truth that bonded us originally was still hiding there, waving its hand vigorously at us. Someone had to do something about it, and I’m relieved and impressed that Kate took the leap, even if it’s at my expense once in a while.

Plus (sorry to break it to you), Kate is prone to exaggeration. We do talk, occasionally.

Dear Marty,

It feels rather appropriate that, given the communication challenges Kate’s original post raised, it took me over a month to respond to you. If our wives think we don’t communicate as well as we could with them, they should see how bad we are with our buddies. But here we are and thanks for reaching out. Like you, I love that our awesome ladies built this platform to showcase their gifts. Here’s hoping we don’t drive a chunk of their readers to hit “unsubscribe.”

I’ve always admired the partnership you and Kate have built over your 18 (!) years together. Elizabeth and I met later in life, which has had some great benefits. We knew who we were and what we wanted from a partner. And we’re both the types who aren’t afraid to speak up when we feel like we aren’t getting what we need. We talk constantly and about eeeeverything. I’m super grateful for that aspect of our relationship. I think our ability to communicate well and often has enabled us to navigate career changes, moving to new cities (twice), and lots of midlife angst while staying connected and close.

But sometimes we can over-communicate, too. Every feeling … every anxious moment … every time someone doesn’t refill the water carafe … everything doesn’t need to be a whole conversation. Elizabeth calls it crop-dusting. It’s when we’re just going about our day and yammering at each other—less to connect and converse, and more because we just want someone to validate that we still exist. We’re working on not crop-dusting each other as much, but it’s a WIP.

I think it’s very chill that you took Kate’s post in stride. It was definitely funny and heartfelt. But I’m with you: she is indeed exaggerating a bit. I know because I’ve seen you two in conversational action and you have such an easy rapport. And, particularly while draining that last drop of scotch that you mentioned, you can definitely still crack each other up. It’s an awesome, almost secret language—one that I imagine has taken your nearly two decades together to hone.

So in the end, when it comes to marital communication, maybe it’s more about quality over quantity. I don’t think talking more for the sake of talking will do a marriage much good. But making sure when we do talk that we really listen, ask questions to better understand each other and, importantly, make each other laugh … talking can keep a partnership going strong for a very long time.

Crop-dusting as a marital device. Use wisely.

P.S.

Ty: Ok, enough with the chit chat. I think this is where we make a list of cool stuff to buy or watch, like Elizabeth and Kate do in their posts. I’ve made a real effort to put the news apps down and read more lately. So how about a quick Bro Book Club?

I just finished Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver and can’t recommend it enough. If you want to better understand why so many people were pissed off and hurting enough to vote for this chaotic madness we’re experiencing, you gotta read this book.

I also just started Why I Cook, Tom Colicchio’s new memoir. As you know, I love to cook and Tom’s a hero of mine. I used to save up my meager entry-level salary when I was starting out in New York so I could eat at his restaurants. Really great read, balancing his personal story—from growing up with very little to building an empire—with a bunch of great recipes peppered throughout. Read anything good lately?

Marty: So you’re going to make me walk around the house and look for books I’ve read this past year, eh? Fine. I read Demon Copperhead too and I recommend it for the same reasons you do. Had a few stops and starts but that’s just how I read things these days.

If you’re a real Dad you love yourself some non-fiction and business books. Retail Gangster is a hoot, and I’m currently in the middle of The Man Who Solved the Market, which inspired DeepSeek’s founder to develop their disruptive large language model that caused a market panic on AI stocks a month ago. This is a safe space, right?

The two that stick with me most lately are The Long Walk and Unbroken. Both are stories about surviving WW2 despite ridiculous misfortune and incredibly low odds, but somehow renew the human spirit and remind me that all of this isn’t that hard. The movies aren’t nearly as good, so please read.

Speaking of spirit, got a scotch waiting for you in Mpls, bro. It’s been real and you know where to find me.